A Really, Really Bad Case of the Mondays

I woke up to a legislatively post-apocalyptic America last Monday morning. The boundaries of federal jurisdiction as I knew them had dissolved and were quickly redrawn to include my liver, lungs, and spleen. Our President, a man working under oath to uphold our foundational documents, had effectively bitch-slapped the Constitution with his boastfully scrolled John Hancock atop the 2,700-page health care reform bill, a moment the lovely Nancy “Comically-Huge-Gavel” Pelosi boldly dubbed one of the nation’s “most historic.” A jolly photograph of the scene at the bill’s signing filled my internet homepage, and I couldn’t help but sense how much the American flag in the background wanted to vomit. Reports surfaced of seismic activity at Arlington as all the dead Presidents and fallen heroes turned over in their graves. The cross-section of citizens who both a) pay income tax and b) have brains collectively groaned, and, despite the incredible volume, the agitation fell on deaf ears in Washington.

It was the dawning of a new era in the ol’ US of A, a phrase usually said with hope and doe-eyes. But this new era is horrifying. My doe-eyes are bleeding. Never has a Congressional vote been had with such bald-faced corruption and coercion as this. The final seven votes that were responsible for the bill’s victory were cast purely out of bribery per unsubstantiated Executive Order, and I cannot fathom the outrage of their constituents. The moral malleability of our representatives is disgusting; in this place and time, it has singlehandedly caused the unraveling of the red, white, and blue tapestry that is liberty. While those in the high ranks of Washington bureaucracy have been increasingly shady over the past few decades, I rank the current hoard at the utmost pinnacle of crookedness, and I pray that the hundreds of lawsuits currently being cooked up by the masses of enraged civilians like me effectually repeal the snot out of this disgraceful piece of over-arching, anti-American legislation.

That said, I don’t really want to talk about health care right now. I have already made plain exactly what I think we should do to reform an admittedly flawed insurance system, and I have prattled at length about why the Obamacare plan is so inescapably god awful. While that horse is still very much alive, I don’t want to beat it anymore. It borders on metaphorical animal cruelty, and PETA already hates Republicans enough, even if just in rhetoric. So instead, I’m going to talk about the attitude with which this abomination was rammed through and how similar acts of blatant arrogance spewing out of our Commander in Chief at rates that are simultaneously impressive and revolting have caused America’s reputation and global fortitude to crumble around our increasingly bony ankles.

If there was anything that put some sweet in my bitter upon seeing the results of the final vote, it was the unity of the Republican Party in its unfaltering opposition to the bill. With all the under-the-table deals that happened leading up to the decision, I was happy to see that not one single Representative from our side of the aisle succumbed to the Dem’s mob-like coercion. Even a couple dozen Democrats abandoned party politics and voted, as they all should have, in accord with their people’s will. That left just 219 socialists in sheep’s clothing responsible for passage. But, boy, were they self-satisfied. Even after protests in the streets grew so impassioned that armored cars and police escorts were required for these Congressmen to escape from the Capitol, they had the audacity to claim that they had done “the will of the people.” Obama spoke the next day and said, “we listened to America.”

Um, hi, you’re delusional. Pollsters from all over the ideological spectrum have been unable to collect any data landing at less than a 67% disapproval rating of the bill and the way it was dealt with.

Is this or is this not still a representative rather than a dictatorial system of government? If we’ve changed structures, I missed the memo. And now it looks like an individual mandate is the newly required cover sheet for all my TPS reports, and my fifteen pieces of flair will have to include an increase in deficit, higher taxation, and less personal choice. I refuse to be governed by Bill Lumbergh!

Red Swingline aside, this is serious stuff. Even if I were a flaming liberal who loved Barack’s bill and frequented Lilith Fair and sported an I Heart Commies t-shirt, I would still have to acknowledge that the tactics of our politicians over the past few months in regards to this reform have been questionable at best. Their refusal to compromise with any of the Right’s proposed amendments or revisions demonstrates an elitism that denies the purpose of the American structure. The “we know what’s best for you” smugness was palpably patronizing, and I am truly insulted by both the legislation and its creators. What’s worse is that this attitude is transferring to other aspects of political interactions, some seriously jeopardizing our standings with our foreign allies.

Nothing about Barack Obama’s recent meeting with Israeli minister Benjamin Netanyahu went well. As our closest, strongest, and really only ally in the Middle East, our relationship with Israel deserves to be handled with great care. While Obama’s conversations with other Middle Eastern leaders have been borderline brotherly, the incredible disrespect he showed for Netanyahu, not only on a political level but in terms of basic human decency, indicated a personal hatred for and an unharnessed eagerness to break ties with Israel. It seemed to be a purposeful destruction of American loyalties teetering on treasonous.

If you haven’t heard the well-quieted reports, here’s what happened: Netanyahu came for a visit. Obama denied all opportunities for photo ops, then got up and walked out mid-meeting, simply saying, “let me know if there is anything new.” And that was that. An absolute snub.

I knew from the beginning that having such an outrageously megalomaniacal President would come with problems, but I never dreamed they’d be this vast and immediate. With forced passage of the health care bill, dissolving alliances all over the place, and a baffling unawareness of what the people actually want, it isn’t too farfetched to accuse the man of deliberately ruining our nation. Rather than be so bold, I will simply accuse him of trying to cripple the American people into absolute, irreversible dependence on the government.

On second thought, maybe both of those accusations are the same. My bad.

So whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, I think it’s high time to take an objective look at just how we’re being governed. We the People are no longer in charge, and we’re slipping into a dangerous zone of minoritarianism. The beauty of the United States is our balance of powers, our checks and balances, our minimal but effective bureaucracy whose intent is to dilute and tailor prior to drastic policy changes; this system fails when abused. The same man who preached transparency and bipartisanship for the whole of his campaign has shown blatant disregard for both and is leading the march for a complete reversal of our hard-earned American exceptionalism. Between the forcefulness of his party in their overly-aggressive legislation and Obama’s own shameful behavior toward world leaders, we will be dangling by fingernails as we await the 2010 election season.

Cling with me.