Here's the Kickoff

As enthused as I initially was about being enrolled in a course dedicated to the study of US Government, the semester failed to live up to my expectations. While I thought we’d be delving into the depths of the Constitution and weighing the effectiveness of Congress, the Electoral College, and the two-party system, instead we skimmed over the shallow surfaces of such clichéd issues as check and balances and how separation of powers works. Important? Sure. New and challenging? Absolutely not. And with my professor’s humorously thick German accent getting in the way of terms like “woter turnout” and “diwersity” and “vorking clahss,”my concentration has been anything but consistent.

On our final day of class, however, things got interesting. We finally got around to discussing (a term I use loosely) the fundamental differences between Republicans and Democrats. After a few common-sense contributions from students, Captain Germany decided to summarize: “Conserwatiwes vant to keep evwyting ze same, but Democwats are villing to twy new tings and make pvogvess.” Oh, is that the difference? Is that the pure, unbiased, professorially-determined difference? Silly me, I thought it was something else.

I understand what he was trying to say. Republicans are typically more “traditional,” and Democrats are typically more “progressive.” But that doesn’t exactly translate into what my professor said. Left to the interpretation of the politically vacant minds of my classmates, he might as well have said, “Democrats good, Republicans bad.” And such a bold statement after an entire semester of gradually less impartial teaching was the motivational icing on the catalyst cake behind this return from my writing hiatus. Spending all of my collegiate time surrounded by people who know nothing about Republicans but the slander spread by Women Studies banshees or disgruntled hippies on MSNBC has led me to realize that my greatest enemy is not the true liberal platform but the false conservative one. It is in my attempt to destroy the latter and rebuild that I take on the following mission:

Kelly Cole for President in 2040.

The core political issues have changed very little over the past few decades. The same programs that needed reformed thirty years ago still need reformed today, our role in foreign affairs is the same with just a few names changed, and the debate over fiscal policy has had cyclical results that show no sign of a permanent fix. Therefore I feel confident that if I develop my Presidential platform now, it will function effectively in 2040 as well. This will also give me the rare opportunity to clear up the mountains of misconceptions held about Republicans in a clear cut, issue-by-issue sort of way. And I vill do it visout a weediculous Cherman ahccent.

If you thought and were relieved that I was finished or had changed my philosophy or had surrendered from the fight for maintaining America, I am sorry to disappoint you. I apologize for remaining quiet long enough for you to develop such notions. I assure you it won’t happen again.

In weeks to come, I will make clearer than ever exactly what it is I believe, and if you feel me, I invite you to the polls on November 4th, 2040. RSVP any time you like.