Food, Water, Shelter, Porn

We are careening down the slipperiest of slopes.

It all started when some liberal in Congress said, “hey, let’s forget about that whole ‘capitalism’ thing and climb on into bed with business.” Now it’s taking the ballsy sarcasm of two porn kings to show the US Government how stupid they’ve been lately.

I thought the whole bailout package was a bad idea from the beginning. The American taxpayer should not have to eat the debt of corporations whose CEOs make bad decisions. In a free market system, those who act recklessly should have to deal with their own consequences, not pass them off onto the fiscally responsible, hardworking American. Not only does this plan place the cleaning supplies for this mess in the hands of the innocent, it sends a clear message to all big businesses for the future: go ahead and be careless, because the government will always show up to save you.

Hustler Magazine’s Larry Flint and Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis are right with me. They’re approaching Washington with a proposal to get 5 billion dollars to make up for their declining sales of 2008. When I first heard this story, I was outraged, thinking these guys were actually serious. The American taxpayers should foot the bill of smut? But after watching an interview with Francis on the subject, I now understand that they’re trying to make a statement. They think the bailouts are just as ridiculous as I do. “As long as the government is handing out money, we’ll be there to take it,” Joe said with a smile.

And what grounds does Congress have to deny them? They voted to give mortgage companies and the auto industry 700 billion dollars, so why not all other sects of the market? What makes the poor decision-making of one kind of businessman any more bail-worthy than another?

Granted, equating the foreclosure of people’s homes to the shutting down of a Fascinations sex shop is a stretch, but if Congress is to remain consistent in its legislative reasoning, and this first bailout plan is used as the precedent to which all other requests are compared, things could get out of hand very quickly. After all, would anyone really throw a fit if it became a 705 billion dollar check instead? Probably not. So it gets very easy to keep tacking on a few billion here and a few billion there. If 700 billion isn’t our breaking point, what will be?

Capitalism is dependent upon the absence of government. It is a system that balances itself over time and is incredibly successful when left alone, but has gotten way out of whack over the past few decades because Capitol Hill keeps trying to intersect with Wall Street. Now that we’ve started the ball rolling with the actual handing-off of tax dollars to corporate execs, we may never again get it stopped.

Do I think Flint and Francis should get the 5 billion they’re asking for? Goodness, no. But I didn’t think the first plan should’ve gone through, either, and look what happened. I can’t wait to see what further tax commitments we’re subjected to under the next few years of a totally leftist Congress.

So, men, ask your local Congressman: do I get to write-off my Playboys?